Thursday, April 18, 2013
My Thoughts
I'm 16 weeks pregnant and i have just been in my feelings ultra hard! I have been battling with really being excited about being pregnant or just accepting it and not showing that i am excited. I am a church girl and this wasn't planned, but inside i am bursting with excitement about what is building up inside of me. But how can i be excited about a sin? Am i worried too much about what others think? I mean it is a blessing right? I'm emotionally drained.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
SOOO Beyond Basic
So i'm taking a moment to reflect on the last 3 months. In the last 3 months my life has changed completely. I went from being a fun party girl just living the life, to expecting a child. This isn't my first rodeo because I was actually pregnant my freshmen summer in college. I terminated the pregnancy because i wasn't ready to be a mother or let alone believe that the father was going to be able to be a daddy. I told only best friend Taylor and then later revealed to my god mother, then my parents. I was 19. I was scared and i felt like more than anything i disappointed everyone. I've always been the golden child, the "do-gooder", the role model.
Now 6 years later i found myself in the same situation but now 25 years old. I have a good career, a car, a place of my own, i'm stable right? Ha yeah one would think ok so yeah i'm 25 I should have immediately thought that i could do this. But that wasn't the thoughts that were in my head. All i kept thinking about was what everyone would say. How i would tell my parents, that i messed up again. Not being married and having a baby was not in my plans. Then to top it all off, the baby daddy is the 19 year old Pastors Son that i started dating almost 2 years ago! Yes I should have a reality show with how messed up i am. But i love him. He was a breathe of fresh air when i needed it. But with the baby being in the picture it only made me regret ever following through with my feelings. He is only 19, he hasn't experienced everything i have. I began to feel so guilty. For weeks and weeks I felt like i had ruined someones life. I felt like I had to tell him he didn't have to be apart of the childs life and that I would take full responsibility. I even contemplated for days just moving back to Indiana before anyone found out, just so he wouldn't be responsible. Unselfishly thinking about him and the baby, i forgot to think about myself. My mental state began to shrink and i was angry more than happy.
Now i am 14 weeks into this and although i still have some feelings of disappointment, I know i made the best decision for me. Church folks are going to talk. They are always going to talk. Matter of fact church folks are harder on you than world. I have been told that I trapped him! ME? I trapped him? I am a 25 year old with all of my own stuff! I have a degree, really why would i chose to trap a 19 year old? What would that bring me? People just talk without knowing the facts. But i understand because he is the Pastor's Son, but he isn't the first and isn't the last to make a mistake. People can be so cruel and don't know what that really does to my spirit. I am no different from any of the other sins that go on in church. The only difference is out of my mistake comes a true blessing. I have thick skin on the exterior but in the inside, my feelings are hurt that so many people think so low of me. Like to think that they would really think i would trap someone is ridic. They don't know I've dated men making 3 Figures or headed to the NFL. Never once did i trap them. So why?
I guess i just needed to vent because i find myself pushing further away from him because of my resentment for what Church folk say. Not his fault but it makes me wonder does he believe that.
SOOOOO BEYOND BASIC!
Now 6 years later i found myself in the same situation but now 25 years old. I have a good career, a car, a place of my own, i'm stable right? Ha yeah one would think ok so yeah i'm 25 I should have immediately thought that i could do this. But that wasn't the thoughts that were in my head. All i kept thinking about was what everyone would say. How i would tell my parents, that i messed up again. Not being married and having a baby was not in my plans. Then to top it all off, the baby daddy is the 19 year old Pastors Son that i started dating almost 2 years ago! Yes I should have a reality show with how messed up i am. But i love him. He was a breathe of fresh air when i needed it. But with the baby being in the picture it only made me regret ever following through with my feelings. He is only 19, he hasn't experienced everything i have. I began to feel so guilty. For weeks and weeks I felt like i had ruined someones life. I felt like I had to tell him he didn't have to be apart of the childs life and that I would take full responsibility. I even contemplated for days just moving back to Indiana before anyone found out, just so he wouldn't be responsible. Unselfishly thinking about him and the baby, i forgot to think about myself. My mental state began to shrink and i was angry more than happy.
Now i am 14 weeks into this and although i still have some feelings of disappointment, I know i made the best decision for me. Church folks are going to talk. They are always going to talk. Matter of fact church folks are harder on you than world. I have been told that I trapped him! ME? I trapped him? I am a 25 year old with all of my own stuff! I have a degree, really why would i chose to trap a 19 year old? What would that bring me? People just talk without knowing the facts. But i understand because he is the Pastor's Son, but he isn't the first and isn't the last to make a mistake. People can be so cruel and don't know what that really does to my spirit. I am no different from any of the other sins that go on in church. The only difference is out of my mistake comes a true blessing. I have thick skin on the exterior but in the inside, my feelings are hurt that so many people think so low of me. Like to think that they would really think i would trap someone is ridic. They don't know I've dated men making 3 Figures or headed to the NFL. Never once did i trap them. So why?
I guess i just needed to vent because i find myself pushing further away from him because of my resentment for what Church folk say. Not his fault but it makes me wonder does he believe that.
SOOOOO BEYOND BASIC!
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